im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
