U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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