so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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