Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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