Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
