he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
