Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
