Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
