He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
