I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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