tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
MIDGETS
????
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
