he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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