If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
