you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
