Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
