I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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