You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
