just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
