We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
