Cold hands, warm shart.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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