I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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