But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
