The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
