Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I will be naked everywhere
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
