I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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