i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
