Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
