i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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