If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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