i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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