and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
