I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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