I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
