wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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