I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I FOUND THE LEGS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize