I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
