I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
