im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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