she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
