Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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