If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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