I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
