She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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