my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
