can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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