I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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