He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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