im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
