He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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