Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
