I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
