Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
