yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
