Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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