Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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