As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
