I want to have your abortion
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
