Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My liver just had a heart attack.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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