I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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