I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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