babies were throwing up all over the place
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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